I couldn't make up this kind of stuff if I tried:
Highly intoxicated and dissatisfied with her sex life, a 28-year-old woman was arrested Tuesday for stealing her husband's wallet and later assaulting the deputy who booked her into jail.
The meltdown, which deputies witnessed along with the couple's 3- and 4-year-old children, started when the husband, 24, had told his wife they had three hours to quit smoking, drinking, swearing and engaging in some sex acts because "they were going to be good Christians now," the woman said.
The man said she had woken him up to have relations, but then became disappointed and angry.
Kitsap County deputies were called to the apartment on the 11800 block of Majestic Lane NW at 2:38 a.m. after a neighbor overheard yelling, crying and slamming doors, the report said.
When deputies arrived, the woman denied any assault had taken place, and repeatedly, without sparing a vulgar euphemism, told the deputies about how unsatisfied she was with her sex life — some of the time carrying around a half-gallon of whiskey while doing so.
During an argument with one of the deputies, the woman picked up the family's 20-pound dog and threw it at the deputy, who caught it, the report said.
I mean, I can see being pretty disappointed if my wife came home one day and told me that since she'd found Jesus, she didn't need nookie anymore. Would I be mad enough to toss my dog? Only if I found out Jesus was our neighbor's gardener. But Sophie's downed so many Ho-Ho's recently that I doubt I could do so without injuring myself.
(h/t to PZ Myers)